TV people do certain things simply because it is easier to film or acts as a story shortcut. For example, the characters have one restaurant, bar, or coffee shop they go to exclusively even though they live in New York City, home of the widest variety of awesome food, drinks, and coffee in America. Obviously, that is easier than building a new set or going to a new location every week, and it allows for recurring characters like the waiter or other patrons. And, hey, lots of people go to the same place all the time. It’s enough like real life that it doesn’t distract me.
Now, I know I am weird, but a few of these shortcuts really distract me. These are the things most TV characters do almost universally that pull me out of the reality of a show:
1. A group orders Chinese food, then does not eat it family style. Instead, each person eats one dish out of the container.
Who does that? Does anyone eat four servings of chow mein for dinner? What about rice? This is the American food equivalent of a four-person group having one person order mashed potatoes, another order chicken, another order rolls, and another order green beans–and then all eating that one thing by themselves out of a to-go container! Even when I order Chinese food alone, I get at least two dishes and eat them at the same time. They just do this so that they don’t have to show the food. I bet those containers always have, like, one piece of cold broccoli in it.
2. A woman takes a pregnancy test and then acts like it’s not a stick she just peed on.
Hey, everyone! I will take this piece of plastic I just urinated on and shove it in your face. “Hurray,” you’ll say, “We’re pregnant!” Instead of saying, “Ew! That is a pee stick!” (Sometimes they are not happy about the result, but never are they grossed out about someone handing them a pee stick.)
3. People are slutty.
Whole episodes can center around someone being in a slump of having gone a whole week without sleeping with a stranger. None of my friends has ever complained to me that they had three dates with someone they just met and they couldn’t believe they hadn’t had sex yet. And I’m talking about characters who are supposed to be average or even a little prude. So this would be Ted on “How I Met Your Mother,” not Barney. (I also don’t know anyone who goes out with a new person every 3 months, but this is a little more believable to me.)
4. Yet people seem to wear their underwear during intercourse.
I get that you can’t show naked people on network TV and that even cable has to dole out the naked carefully sometimes. The covering-up-with-a-sheet thing is awkward, but we’re all used to it. No, what is truly distracting is when the couple just finished having sex and then, when one or both of them stands up, they are wearing underwear already. Did they leave it on during, which though technically possible is highly unlikely? Is there a midget under the sheets helping with the underpants? Answer me that, Hollywood?
I’m sure there are more, but these are the ones that launch me into internal arguments when I see them. Any additions?
TV does not read my blog, but I am going to yell at it anyway. Stop putting blatant, distracting advertisements in the scripts of your programs! You can’t even do it ironically anymore, because it’s been done too much and too well (see: 30 Rock, Arrested Development). While I am talking to things that don’t listen, I will also say: Advertisers, stop getting greedy about what constitutes a product placement.
A recent example: On last week’s episode of Modern Family, two characters go to Target. In case you couldn’t tell they were in a Target, they say things like “Let’s go to Target” and “They have everything here at Target.” And then one of them puts on a Target uniform shirt as part of the plot. It felt like they were in Target for a year and Target logos were humping in the background making little baby Target logos. The lighting was so different there than the rest of the show, that it was like a florescent sign that shouted YOU ARE WATCHING AN AD! The show is already 22 minutes long so that they can show ads when it is aired on TV and streamed places like Hulu. Take out the Target-fest, and you have a solid 11 minutes of situational comedy.
This one hurt a lot because I love Modern Family and Target. And this is what allows both of them to push the boundaries so far. I’m not going to stop watching that show or going to that store. So how are they supposed to know that it is not OK to ruin television like that? This worries me. I didn’t even want to mention it specifically, because that is a form of spreading an advertisement I didn’t like.
I am waiting for TV dialogue like this (interspersed with just enough good dialogue, so people continue to watch the show):
Mother: Let’s hop in our Ford Focus and go to Wal-Mart and buy you some Tampax. Oh, and of course Advil with fast-acting crampinex.
Daughter: Mooooom, don’t forget the Lindt chocolate with …
In unison: California almonds in it!
In the real world, we buy things with brand names and go to chain stores. So I actually don’t mind when product placement and verisimilitude intersect. Get paid, bitches! I’m certainly not paying for TV. Go ahead and use that Apple computer and wear those NHL T-shirts, cast of Up All Night!
But I’m pretty sure that the way we are ending up with so many ham-fisted product placements turned full-blown ads is like so: The writers are told, “You have to put Home Depot in this episode.” So then they come up with a B plot about characters fixing a toilet. And then Home Depot’s ad team sees the script and says, “They didn’t actually say the name of our store. Let’s add that in. And can we also have them visit the lighting fixtures aisle? Because one of our Q4 goals is to boost sales of lighting fixtures with women 29-34. Would it hurt to have the logo in the background of that part where she does a spit take?” Most people get bossy when they are paying for something. And most people get conciliatory when they are being paid.
That is NOT how you create something good. And I don’t know what to do about it. (Hint: Don’t look to the way the internet is dealing with the problem as an example.)
Winner of the Most Frequent Sloppy Product Placement Award: Psych (See note about how irony doesn’t make it all better.)
Winner of the the Worst Product Placement of the Year: New Girl (So close to doing it right, only to have an entire scene take place in front of a store logo)
Winner of the “Wow, you know, they should have been paid for that and it was an awesome joke” Award: The Office (When Erin asks for “Cola, Kirkland if you have it” it was not only totally in character, but also most people recognize the Costco version of generic)
After figuring out that Chemistry.com was not for me, I signed up for three months of Match.com. And I hate it! If it were a person, I would punch it in the balls. My membership is up next month, and right before it ends I am going to change my profile to be a bunch of stuff that amuses me.
Here is where I need your help: What is the funniest thing I could say in a Match.com profile? I will actually use the one I think is the funniest!
The only rule: Don’t be mean–so nothing that is intended to trick people into contacting me and nothing that interferes with other people’s sincere use of the site. Here are some of my ideas:
- I am an accidental time traveler from 1924. (“I’m looking for a swell fella and that ain’t no baloney! I’m tired of Palookas and ragamuffins. I’m a real bearcat. Let’s grab some giggle water and get a wiggle on. Gonna take me to a juice joint? Now you’re on the trolley!”)
- I am worried about being swindled. (“Please don’t tell me you need my bank account number so you can wire me the money for my cab fare to our first date. I’ve heard that line before!”)
- I am a robot. (“My programming indicates it is time for me to complete the mating sequence. Desired mate is humanoid. I am bilingual. 00111100000111100001111010.”)
- I am a breeding myself like a horse or doggie. (“I am looking for someone with a mild temperament and a good sense of smell who can run very fast in short bursts. No familial history of diabetes or heart disease, please.”)
- I can only communicate through the lyrics of Jewel songs. (“My hands are small I know. But they’re not yours, they are my own. Put on my PJs and hop into bed. I’m half alive but I feel mostly dead. Who will save your soul after all the lies that you told, boy?”)
What do you think I should say? Hm, the prize for winning the contest is …. a dollar?
