05.Dec.2011 Contest: Funniest thing I can say on Match.com right before my membership ends
After figuring out that Chemistry.com was not for me, I signed up for three months of Match.com. And I hate it! If it were a person, I would punch it in the balls. My membership is up next month, and right before it ends I am going to change my profile to be a bunch of stuff that amuses me.
Here is where I need your help: What is the funniest thing I could say in a Match.com profile? I will actually use the one I think is the funniest!
The only rule: Don’t be mean–so nothing that is intended to trick people into contacting me and nothing that interferes with other people’s sincere use of the site. Here are some of my ideas:
- I am an accidental time traveler from 1924. (“I’m looking for a swell fella and that ain’t no baloney! I’m tired of Palookas and ragamuffins. I’m a real bearcat. Let’s grab some giggle water and get a wiggle on. Gonna take me to a juice joint? Now you’re on the trolley!”)
- I am worried about being swindled. (“Please don’t tell me you need my bank account number so you can wire me the money for my cab fare to our first date. I’ve heard that line before!”)
- I am a robot. (“My programming indicates it is time for me to complete the mating sequence. Desired mate is humanoid. I am bilingual. 00111100000111100001111010.”)
- I am a breeding myself like a horse or doggie. (“I am looking for someone with a mild temperament and a good sense of smell who can run very fast in short bursts. No familial history of diabetes or heart disease, please.”)
- I can only communicate through the lyrics of Jewel songs. (“My hands are small I know. But they’re not yours, they are my own. Put on my PJs and hop into bed. I’m half alive but I feel mostly dead. Who will save your soul after all the lies that you told, boy?”)
What do you think I should say? Hm, the prize for winning the contest is …. a dollar?
