I will share something funny someone else wrote, and then be a copy cat and write something similar directly following it.
From McSweeney’s, excerpted from “Conversations between famous people as imagined by someone with an American public-school education who didn’t pay too much attention in school but who did just enough to pass exams” by Matt Passet
Richard Nixon and Winston Churchill
NIXON: Hello, I see you’re smoking a cigar and wearing a large hat.
CHURCHILL: So I am, young chap. Could I interest you in a cigar?
NIXON: Sure, I think I smoke cigars … maybe … I don’t know.
(CHURCHILL hands a cigar to NIXON, who bites off the tip and lights it.)
NIXON: We were probably alive at the same time.
CHURCHILL: Indeed, my boy, indeed. I had something to do with World War II and I think maybe you fought in it.
NIXON: I’m not sure if I did.
CHURCHILL: There’s not that much more about me that everyone knows.
NIXON: I once held up my hands and formed two peace signs. I was either about to get onto a plane or get off of one.
CHURCHILL: I have seen the photo, because I think there were cameras when I was alive.
NIXON: And what about Watergate? I did that.
CHURCHILL: Margaret Thatcher is someone else from England. She was leader after me.
NIXON: People can buy masks of my face.
Now here’s mine:
Jimmy Carter and George Washington Carver
CARTER: I was president of the United States. I see that you are black.
CARVER: You’re right. I also do things with peanuts.
CARTER: Me, too!
CARVER: What do you do with peanuts? I may or may not have invented peanut butter, but I definitely used peanuts in famous inventions.
CARTER: Maybe I just ate a lot of peanuts. I’m not really sure. I have big teeth and am from the South.
CARVER: You seem like a nice guy. You weren’t around for the Civil War, though. I think I was. If not, I’m still pretty sure that I was somehow discriminated against because of my race even though I was later recognized as a pioneer.
CARTER: I would not have discriminated against you, because I am indeed very nice. Good thing there were no cars when you were alive. I think I hiked up gas prices and made people wait in long lines.
CARVER: I can’t remember if you were one of the masks in “Point Break” or not.
CARTER: I am still alive.
CARVER: I am not.
Cats can’t talk and may like the smell of poop, according to evidence cited by Arm & Hammer in its lawsuit against Clorox. The makers of Super Scoop are suing the makers of Fresh Step for claiming in an ad (see creepy screen cap above) that cats think Fresh Step is better at eliminating odors.