06.Jan.2012 Things TV people do that I don’t think real people do

TV people do certain things simply because it is easier to film or acts as a story shortcut. For example, the characters have one restaurant, bar, or coffee shop they go to exclusively even though they live in New York City, home of the widest variety of awesome food, drinks, and coffee in America. Obviously, that is easier than building a new set or going to a new location every week, and it allows for recurring characters like the waiter or other patrons. And, hey, lots of people go to the same place all the time. It’s enough like real life that it doesn’t distract me.

Now, I know I am weird, but a few of these shortcuts really distract me. These are the things most TV characters do almost universally that pull me out of the reality of a show:

1.  A group orders Chinese food, then does not eat it family style. Instead, each person eats one dish out of the container.

Who does that? Does anyone eat four servings of chow mein for dinner? What about rice? This is the American food equivalent of a four-person group having one person order mashed potatoes, another order chicken, another order rolls, and another order green beans–and then all eating that one thing by themselves out of a to-go container! Even when I order Chinese food alone, I get at least two dishes and eat them at the same time. They just do this so that they don’t have to show the food. I bet those containers always have, like, one piece of cold broccoli in it.

2. A woman takes a pregnancy test and then acts like it’s not a stick she just peed on.

Hey, everyone! I will take this piece of plastic I just urinated on and shove it in your face. “Hurray,” you’ll say, “We’re pregnant!” Instead of saying, “Ew! That is a pee stick!” (Sometimes they are not happy about the result, but never are they grossed out about someone handing them a pee stick.)

3. People are slutty.

Whole episodes can center around someone being in a slump of having gone a whole week without sleeping with a stranger. None of my friends has ever complained to me that they had three dates with someone they just met and they couldn’t believe they hadn’t had sex yet. And I’m talking about characters who are supposed to be average or even a little prude. So this would be Ted on “How I Met Your Mother,” not Barney. (I also don’t know anyone who goes out with a new person every 3 months, but this is a little more believable to me.)

4. Yet people seem to wear their underwear during intercourse.

I get that you can’t show naked people on network TV and that even cable has to dole out the naked carefully sometimes. The covering-up-with-a-sheet thing is awkward, but we’re all used to it. No, what is truly distracting is when the couple just finished having sex and then, when one or both of them stands up, they are wearing underwear already. Did they leave it on during, which though technically possible is highly unlikely? Is there a midget under the sheets helping with the underpants? Answer me that, Hollywood?

I’m sure there are more, but these are the ones that launch me into internal arguments when I see them. Any additions?